Do You Know Me?

Just as I started to feel in place today, I sat down to write and I suddenly felt...out of place. Has that ever happened to you? For the last week or so, extroverts have been bombarding my life and making it one wild ride. I know that doing all of these things and hanging out this much is not me, but I want people to like me and get to know ME and not the kid who sits in his room all day. So... I hang with them. This is not me. But this is college, isn't a "new me" supposed to form anyway? I think so, but not like this.

Back at home I was the big Kahuna. I hate braggers but it's essentially true. In my senior year of high school I rocked the building to its foundations. I was on the cover of the town magazine 2 months in a row. I got awards here and there. I was the adviser to the principal (whom I helped to hire) and the Superintendent. I was a representative on the school board and the sole student representative in MANY groups. Students, teachers, even administrators came to me because of who I was. It was such a cool feeling. I was important just because... I was. I was Michael and that was what made me special. My fellow students asked me for advice and I easily gave it to them. The Principal asked me for advice because I could see at his level as well as see what students were up to. Like...I loved my senior year of high school. I didn't want to leave. I was the biggest fish in my tiny little puddle not even worth of being called a pond named Morrisville. Being here is well...a different story.

Here at Eastern University, I am essentially a number. I am a freshman. I am just another freshman...just like everyone else is, trying to create a name for himself. How "special" can that get? Now, I may be being selfish because essentially I am asking for everyone else to not be important so I can be, but...that's what I did at Morrisville (to an extent. I'm not THAT pompous). Is that right, wrong, or selfish?

So, like I said, I've been hanging with a lot of people lately. That's not me. Eastern so desperately wants a new extroverted me that it's scary. I don't fit in to that category. I MUCH prefer texting a friend, IMing, going on walks, playing video games, whatever. Do you know why? All of this stuff is 1-on-1. I am a 1-on-1 friend. I can even go to as big as 4. But that's about it. I shut down when big groups form. Unless I need to be an extrovert (this fits into my leadership style) I don't do it. Being surrounded by so many of these awesome people, I can safely say that I am not needed as an extrovert and am therefore the introvert. But...that feels so out of place too. It's kind of unnerving. I just want my day set out where I can hang with this friend now, this other friend then, and the other friend later and almost be the center of attention between us until I'm done venting or talking. Then we can be human. haha. But you know what happens? All 15 of the people I want to hang with come in my dorm room at once. It's hard.

With my birthday coming up, I really am thinking about life more and more. The main thing for tonight is this: I want Keith back. Keith is my brother. If I was somewhere in high school, I knew Keith would be there any second. We look the same, act the same, and are almost the same in everything. Teachers mix the two of us up and even my own SISTER did once. Keith is my best friend of all time. Period. I think that if I get that at Eastern, I will be the happiest man in the world. I can go to "Keith" then with whatever I have and know I'll hang out with him in a few minutes. I think then I'd be comfortable hanging in bigger groups and whatnot just because I have my "Keith" times. I think it's weird that I live with two extroverts who are not like me and so I live with the constant reminder that Keith isn't here with me. I hang with my friend Jeff sometimes, but he's almost always with others because he's an extreme extrovert. Again, reminders that I still don't have a BEST friend. Matt and Jeff are probably the two people I'm closest to on campus, but I don't share every teeny thought I have with them like I did with Keith. Actually, I didn't have to share that stuff with Keith, he just knew.

So what is the purpose of you writing tonight Michael? You wanted to avoid homework? No, not at all. I have been pondering this a lot and I hoped I could formulate an answer. So far...nothing. I read a chapter in my leadership book tonight called "servant leadership." It wasn't too bad. In it, it basically says that the best leaders for society are servants first. I know I am a true servant at heart, just like my Mom, and I feel that this is how I am a leader. So if I am a leader, how do I have such a hard time in groups? (No, this tangent didn't help me either, oh well). The purpose of me being here at 1am on my blog is simply to think. To take my mind with all of its garbled thoughts and give myself a "tabela rassa" (I hoped I spelled that right), to give myself a "clean slate" to write, to read, and to sleep. With that, I bid you adieu world. Thanks for being so good to me. I can only HOPE I can find out how to be half as good back.

Michael